Archive | April, 2014

The Wait

17 Apr

Wrote this last night before an unfortunate chain of events took my thoughts away.

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I was told the days would pass by quickly,
But they just won’t, believe me.

Been drinking in each passing minute,
Watching the clock tear my sanity bit by bit.

I hear my breaths go slower,
I feel my soul wander farther.

I’m losing control, I’m giving in…
I’m falling in this place called in between.

In my mind, I see his eyes, his lips…
And I stand there waiting for the next kiss.

If I could trick my heart,
Then maybe, just maybe… waiting would be an art.

Words

17 Apr

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I wanted to write a song but if I would, there would be no rhythm, no melody, because that is not a part of me. All I have are words. Words that may bear meaning. Words that may even be useless.

Staring at a blank sheet, you’ll never know what’ll come to you. People tell me I’m good at this. People tell me I’m good with words. But I think I’m only good at it because it’s easy. Words are easy.

Some even say words are cheap. Somehow, that’s true. In other ways, it’s not. Sometimes, words are the only thing standing between you and misunderstanding. Sometimes, it’s your only way to reach out.

Words are the ones separating us from all the creatures walking on earth. Scientists say that’s what makes us so smart. But if that’s true, then why do we sound so stupid when using it sometimes?

People get tongue-tied. Times when they want to talk but could not find the right words. People get struck by silence. Times when they know the right words but prefers not to talk.

It’s a crazy thing. People and words. Sometimes, they’re the best combination. Other times, they’re the worst.

People can be careless. They can say a lot of things they don’t mean. And it’s during those times that words become a dagger. A dagger that pierces directly through the heart.

When words linger, they can cause pain. But most often than not, that pain is exactly what you needed to be better. And as people are realizing lately, the most painful words bear the utmost truth.

It is believed by many that words can set you free. But let’s not forget the fact that words can haunt you as well. They bear freedom just as much as they bear regret.

Words are a complicated set of things. It can set to action what once were merely thoughts inside someone’s head. It can create ripples of diverse emotions flow through someone’s system.

I’ve been writing for a long while now, and one thing I do know is that words will always be a double-bladed sword. As much as you can use it as a point of attack, it might just turn around and hit you back.

That’s why you never hear anyone call a writer, a word master. For whatever we do, we can never put ourselves above words. We, as writers, are and will always be servants of the literature world.

At most, we’re called wordsmiths. We harness the power of words through the force of our emotions and experiences, just like a blacksmith forges iron through heat and water.

We take the risk of opening our own lives whenever we write. We expose our deepest selves in order to create pieces for you to read. We immortalize a moment, a person, an emotion through words.

That’s just simply what we do.

Soul Surfer

14 Apr

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My sports history is very simple, I suck so bad at sports that I just gave up. Apparently, my reflexes aren’t fast enough to take on any kind of sports action. And it’s not even for lack of trying, ’cause I tried MANY times but I simply just fail at every sport I tried. 

Kinda sad huh? But then came along surfing. The most unlikely sport that I’d ever fall in love with.

The first time I’ve seen the surfing board that I was going to use, my heart pounded so hard it seemed to suck out every noise around me. I couldn’t hear a thing, I couldn’t hear my instructor, I couldn’t hear my mom cheering me on. I was panicking because of all the bad experiences I’ve had with sports. The fear that I’m about to fail on this one as well really froze me. Luckily, I got over it after a few minutes and convinced myself that I should at least try. If I fail, then at least I’m consistently dumb at sports. If I succeed (although at the time, I didn’t believe I will), at least I’ll finally get to have a sport that loves me back.

I practiced how to stand on the board and maintain my balance offshore. Then it’s time to hit the water and face the treacherous waves. My first ride came and it was…AWESOME! I’ve never felt so good in my entire life. I rode the wave again and again and I just fell in love. Suddenly, the ocean was my best friend and my board became an extension of myself. During the times that I got wiped out, I didn’t care. I resurfaced the water and got back on my board and surfed again. 

The second time I tried surfing, I was really dedicated to learn more about it and go beyond the basics. Gladly, my instructor taught me everything I wanted to know. At the end of the day, I was already head over heels with the sport. I don’t know what it is exactly that I love about it, I just know that it makes me feel so good.

I forget everything when I’m on my board. All the pain, desperation and insecurities that I feel seem to conspire with the wave that brings me to the shore. Suddenly, despite of my imperfections and all the things I couldn’t do, I’m happy. I feel like everything that could hurt me or make me feel bad are miles and miles away from me. On that ocean, on top of its waves, my heart found its home. I loved it more than I ever loved writing and photography. I love it beyond all the academic recognition that I received ever since I started studying. I love myself most when I’m surfing. 

After the surfing lessons, my instructor told me that I got a really good potential to become a professional surfer. And that’s the best thing I heard in my entire life. It just kept me smiling all day long. I used to be really particular with my physique but I just didn’t care if I got sunburned and I got bruises and scratches all over my body. I love it so much that I’m just going to keep on doing it. I’m going to keep on surfing.

It makes me feel alive and I’m not going to let that feeling go. This unexpected love affair of mine with surfing is something that’ll just keep on growing no matter what. =)

Jobless

9 Apr

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It’s such a sorry state for most people and yet I found out that a lot of good things can emanate from such a state. I’m not trying to rationalize anything, I’m just saying that it’s not the worst thing that can happen to someone. And that in some ways, it can be the best.

I am one of those jobless people. Why? Because I don’t know what I want yet. You think I should at least have some sort of temporary job while I’m looking for the one that I love, right? Don’t worry, a lot of people told me that already.

I’m lucky in a way that I have patient parents who are willing to give me time to figure things out. And I’m privileged not to be in a situation where I “need” money. I don’t want to be part of the working population just because I need money badly. I don’t want money to be the focal point of my career. I just want to want money, not need it. I want to have a job that I love because of the fulfillment it gives, not because of the monetary value it brings.

There are people who sees me as a failure right now. But I don’t see myself that way. I’m not a failure. I’m young and I’m willing to make mistakes in order to learn. I want to make the most of the one thing you can never earn which is time. I want to spend it on the things I love to do before this world urges me to spend it on the things I HAVE to do.

I wouldn’t love the things that I love now if I have a job. I wouldn’t have known about my two favorite authors right now if I have a job. The day I came to know Agatha Christie was the day my mom and I went book hunting and she saw one of Agatha Christie’s books lying on a table outside a bookstore because it’s on sale. She told me Agatha was one of the greatest authors of all time so I got the book and the rest is history. The day I came to know about Chuck Palahniuk was the day I was with my boyfriend and we passed by this street vendor selling re-priced books. He pointed out Damned and Tell All and told me it was written by the same author of Fight Club. So we got those two titles and I loved Chuck ever since. Both days wouldn’t have gone that way if I was at work on a job I’m not even sure I want.

Lame excuse for not having a job? Maybe for you but not for me. You see, I value memories. And those little things make the best memories out of everything. I don’t want to be one of those people who’ll lie on their death bed and regret all the little things they didn’t do that could have made them happy instead of rich. I don’t want to be one of them and I’m not going to be one of them. I want to have the littlest amount of regret when people finally bury me 6 feet under or throw me into the fiery pit to be cremated.

It’s the privilege of youth. You have time. You have energy. You have freedom. You can turn your back on all the harsh truths of this world and no one would give a damn. You can fail as many times as you want and still smile at the end of the day. You can fool around, laugh out loud, act like a total idiot and credit it all to the YOLO bin. So really, that’s all I’m trying to do. I’m trying to make as much memories as I can before a job becomes my life. Before everything I do in a day becomes convertible to cash. I want to read amazing books and enrich my mind. I want to write amazing pieces and share what I know. I want to take amazing photographs and show it to the world. I want to do amazing things outside the professional world simply because I’m capable of doing it. I want to feel happiness in its purest and silliest form before it becomes optional. To those who found their dream jobs right after college, good for you. To those who think that “having a job” is the peak of living, go ahead and keep on thinking that. To those who define success by the amount of money someone’s earning, good luck on that.

Do what you can in the time that you have. But don’t get stuck. You would have to move on and you would need to know that. Me? My working days are ahead of me and they’re coming in fast. I know that now more than ever but when they come, I won’t be half-hearted. I would be waiting with my arms wide open. I would not be scared because I know I’m fulfilled as a person and that I can find happiness despite the crazy schedule and all the harsh yet inevitable things that a job entails. I won’t lose myself despite the demands of my chosen profession. I won’t because I know better than to make a job and a specified amount of money rule my life.