My Inexpensive Bucketlist

A list of simple things I would love to do before the rains take the summer season away.

1. Go on a picnic
Just prepare a basket full of food and a cooler with ice, drinks and ice cream, and go somewhere with a grass to sit on and a view to enjoy. I know it’s scorching hot in the archipelago right now but I honestly think that it would be wise to make the most of the bright sun before it hides behind the clouds paving way for the rainy season. But since I don’t know how to drive yet (yeah I know, sucks to be me), the basket and cooler idea would be a bit hard to execute. So I’ll settle for a yummy to-go food from a favorite restaurant and a comfortable spot at a park. Maybe at Paco Park because I’ve never been there before. 

2. Visit Museums
I’m a sucker for museums. And I already have several targets on my list: Yuchengco Museum, Metropolitan Museum of Manila and The Mind Museum. I don’t care if others think it’s lame or a waste of time. I love history and art. And museums are the perfect marriage of the two. I actually love museums so much I applied for a job in one (even though it’s a million miles away from my profession). I submitted my resume for an exhibitions assistant even if they specifically stated they needed someone with an arts major for the job. I’m stubborn when it comes to the things I love, what can I do?

3. Photograph Churches
Although I am Catholic and my family is a devout one, I don’t visit churches to contemplate on life or seek divine intervention. I usually go to churches for their architecture, especially the old ones. I mean you can actually feel time-warped by all their details. You’ll clearly see the influence of each era the church was built upon. And it’s just crazy how they remained standing for so long. Somehow, I’m thankful for the Spaniards because if they didn’t bring Christianity to our shores, we wouldn’t have these amazing churches that tell tales of our distant past. 

The Lost Wanderer

This is me voicing out.

Half the time my blog is a shelf where I keep literary pieces of mine that surprisingly are a good read, the other half, it’s a junkyard of thoughts and feelings my lips dare not say.

Have you ever felt so lost? It’s like you feel that you’re meant for something big but sadly, you don’t know what it is. At least not yet.

That’s where I stand right now. I’m watching everybody live their lives while putting mine on hold.

I’ve always been the strong one. I’m the type who looks out for everybody. I look out for my friends, I make sure I’m always there for them. I look out for my boyfriend, I make sure he has everything he needs. I look out for my brothers, I make sure they don’t end up lost like me. I look out for my parents, I make sure that I don’t disappoint them as much as I could.

But you know, I’m human too. And there are times when my weaknesses get the best of me and it leaves me wondering if there’s anyone, anyone at all, who actually looks out for me.

When you’re strong-willed, people fall into a connotation that you’re invincible. That nothing could break you or even put you down. That’s why during your moments of weakness, they just say “You’re strong. You’ll figure it out.” As if you no longer have the right to fall down on your knees and have someone pull you up. Sometimes, all you need to hear is “You’re not alone. Everything’s going to be okay.”

It’s the solitary notion that comes with being strong that breaks my heart. It’s their belief that you could get everything sorted out on your own that makes ever being strong a bad thing. You’re broken and no one’s there. And it sucks so bad because all you really need is someone to hold your hand while you fix yourself.

I’m 22. I’ve cried a lot. I’ve laughed a lot. I got trust issues because of the scars of my past. I got insecurity issues because of society’s standards. I got life issues because I’m lost. People tell me I’m smart, but as I’ve been thinking lately, if I were really smart, I’d know what I want by now.

My heart’s pulling me into one direction and my mind pushes me on another. I gave up the road to my passion years ago for what I thought would be better for me. But now my heart screams out, begging to be heard. It’s true that you really can’t ignore what you feel in your bones as the thing you’re meant to do because you’ll never be really happy at a job or a position, if your heart’s not in it.

It’s depressing, really. But what can I do? I’m already in the middle of this life contortion. Sometimes, I ask myself if others from my generation are feeling the same way. But then I browse through Facebook and half of them are loving their jobs while the other half are loving their husbands/wives and kids. So yeah, I guess I’m one of the rare ones.

I’m stuck in a puddle of mud, yes. I don’t know what I want, yes. But when I finally figure out what to do, I’m going to come out stronger than ever. And I can finally say that indeed, it is better late than never.

And since I’m already knee deep in suicidal thoughts (totally kidding), I think I need to get out of the house. I’m planning on going to a museum tomorrow to clear my head, hopefully it does the trick. I desperately need to get back on my toes.

Not Your Typical Wanderlust

I love traveling. I just don’t like fieldtrips. Confusing? Well, if fieldtrips equate quality traveling to you, then we’re not on the same page because there is a tremendous difference between the two for me.

Since my elementary days up until my high school era and even until my college years, I’ve never been a sucker for fieldtrips. I don’t care if I’m the only one in the entire batch who’s not going. They can all just leave me in peace at home. I’ll read a book or two while classes are out.

I don’t like fieldtrips because of the number of people that you’re with. I mean like seriously, you’re going to the same place with 100, 200 or more people next to you. To those who goes by the quote “The more, the merrier.” Then I bet fieldtrips are a paradise for you. But for others like me, who only have a handful of friends, that will be a painful experience.

Also, if you’re entire school is going, or you’re entire batch, you can’t expect to get along with all of the people you’re with. You’re always bound to dislike someone or others are bound to dislike you. That will cause friction. And that means you will spend a fair amount of time just talking about the person you hate, or the person that hates you. (This is often the case with girls.)

Another thing is that with the number of people you’re with, you’re bound to flood the place. And I mean that literally. You can’t take photos of a place without a head or two popping in your shot. If you want your friends to take a photo of you at a tourist spot, you have to wait because there’s like a hundred other people who wants the exact same thing.

Another thing I hate is that there’s always just a set of places that you’re set to go. You can’t deviate from the itinerary because duh…you’re in a fieldtrip! Although there’s a place or two on the list that really are just meant for “fun”, still with a sea of people accompanying you, I doubt if you’ll ever have legit fun.

Also, the experience itself is not unique. No matter how majestic the place is, if you’re with a hundred other  people who’s standing on the exact same spot as you, do you think the experience will mean that much? The same people you’re with everyday in class are the exact same people you’re with in a different place. Maybe that’s a good thing for some, but it’s not for me.

My idea of traveling is to be with only a few people who are really close to me, maybe a group of really good friends, or my boyfriend, or my family. Really just spend time with the right people, where you can talk about which songs you like playing on the radio while you’re on the road or what movies to watch on the way. You can stop wherever you want even if just to take silly pictures of something that caught your eye.

My idea of traveling is to actually experience the place not just visit it. I want to take photographs with absolutely no people in the picture. Just the scenic view itself. I want people to feel something when they see the photos of the places I’ve been. I don’t want them to just say “Oh, looks cool. There’s a lot of people too.” I want to actually hear the ocean when I’m on the beach. I want to hear the birds when I’m on a mountain. I want to hear the winds brush against the trees. And not just hear people talking.

My idea of traveling is to really explore a place. People say that it’s the people you’re with and the memories you make that matters. That’s a swag Yolo kind of perspective don’t you think? I don’t want to be somewhere just so I could say I was there. I don’t want to spend time with a whole lot of people who’s not going to play an actual role in my life except being part of the crowd I’m in. I want something more than just fieldtrips, I want to travel.

 

DOTA

So I watched “Free To Play”. Have you heard of it? DOTA gamers would.

My boyfriend said that if I wanted to understand what DOTA actually means, it will probably be the best place to start. So I followed his advice. After one hour and fifteen minutes, I found myself motivated and inspired. 

Who knew that playing computer games can mean so much? Most often than not, being a gamer is viewed as something that a lazy bum would settle for. You know, people who want nothing more out of their lives. People who doesn’t want to work to make a decent living. People who just wants entertainment for the rest of their lives. 

How wrong was I to be one of those people. I’ve been a judgemental, closed minded person just like rest of the world.

Damn.

The documentary was centered on three people from three different teams from three different countries. The pot of gold holds $1,000,000 to whoever makes it to the other end of the rainbow. A lot is at stake. 

Clinton Loomis aka Fear, is a player from USA but played under the flag of UK in the Online Kingdom Team. Back in 2011, he’s regarded as the best DOTA player in USA. His mom is a lawyer and it wasn’t easy for her to understand what good gaming would do to his son’s life. Clinton was a really good athlete, tried all sorts of sports so it surprised his mom when his son ended up playing computer games. And that it had to be at the most unruly hours of night since Clinton needed to coincide with the time his team plays at UK. It was hard and it lead to him being kicked out of the house and finding somewhere else to live while still pursuing his passion for DOTA. All he had back then was an almost empty room, a green table and a borrowed monitor. Still, nothing stopped him from pursuing what he really wanted in life. And when the competition popped up, he knew just what he needed to do to prove to his family that gaming is not a dead end. He needed to win. 

Benedict Han Yong Lim aka Hyhy, is a player from Singapore and the team captain of Scythe. He was a straight A student before DOTA came knocking in his life. Having said that, his parents and his aunt couldn’t have been more disappointed when he started skipping classes, neglecting school, letting his grades fall below standard just so he could play DOTA. But the constant nagging and reprimands that he received at home was slowly blacked out when he met his girlfriend, Huayan, who was also a DOTA player from an all girl team. But then three years after, things crashed down between them. He lost Huayan, picked up smoking and dealt with his family’s disappointment while trying to get ready for the biggest DOTA competition anyone has ever witnessed. If he wins, he said that he’s looking forward on making a phone call to Huayan and tell her that finally, he has something to be proud about.

Danil Ishutin aka Dendi, was a player from Ukraine and the most badass team member of Na’Vi. He has always been the artsy type of kid. Used to be in dance groups and was always casted in school plays. He also played the piano beautifully. His first passion was fishing which he got from his dad. But when his father died of cancer, he couldn’t bring himself to go fishing again. That’s when he picked up on playing computer games, specifically DOTA. He said that it keeps him distracted, that it keeps the pain from losing his father farthest from his mind. His mother couldn’t understand it at first. At how he could spend hours and hours just sitting in front of a computer playing with all sorts of characters. At the time, for Danil’s family, it seemed like he was throwing his life altogether. That is until the competition took place. That is until Danil had the utmost motivation to go home with a million dollars at hand. 

All DOTA players lead a hard life because only a handful of people believe that what they do actually means something. They have to fight for their right to play since no one, not even their family thinks they would get anything out of it. They had to give up a lot of things. They had to turn their back to their studies, to their families just so they could pursue what they were meant to do all along. DOTA isn’t just a silly game. It takes tactics, strategies, techniques, critical thinking and pure talent. And that level of technicality and complexity is what the previous generations can’t seem to grasp. That’s why they call it useless, silly, stupid, etc. 

DOTA is something that’s meant for our generation. Something that only we could understand. We are at the dawn of a technological revolution and our generation are the frontrunners of it. E-sport is something that will break down the walls of traditional sports. It’s something that will bring this age to a new perspective.

Having said that, for all the DOTA gamers out there who’s struggling to keep afloat in a world where people tell them it’s no good, hats off to you. As for the three professional players mentioned above: Fear lost a game to Moscow5 which landed his team on 7th place and took home $25,000. His mom is now supporting him all out in his gaming career and he now leads a US-based team called Evil Geniuses. Hyhy took a gamble and lost a game to EHome which landed his team on 3rd place and took home $150,000. He went back to Singapore, looked for Huayan and worked things out with her. He’s happy and currently taking (if not already finished) his Master’s Degree in Business which he paid off using his tournament winnings. As for Dendi, he won the game against EHome for his team which means they took home not only the trophy but also the $1,000,000. He’s now one of the most popular and sought after professional gamers in the entire world and his family couldn’t have been any prouder.

As for me, a mere bystander in the growing world of DOTA, I think I’m going to start playing. But not to be a good player and compete. But to be a good game enthusiast and understand it better. After all, as most players would put it, DOTA is not just a game and not just a form of entertainment or art, it’s a way of life. 

Passion Uncovered

I’m supposed to write two reflections for one of my post-grad classes but I just feel lazy as hell. And since I haven’t been here for ages, I decided to blog instead. (Yup, perfect way to procrastinate and push school works farther from my mind.)

What have I been doing lately? Well, I’ve been appreciating the wonders that people bring into this world in the form of art, literature, photography and others. It’s crazy that in the middle of dirty politics, failing economies, gruesome crimes, and all the evil of kingdom come, some people just want to immortalize whatever beauty is left in this world.

Lately, I’ve discovered Lang Leav (yeah, I know, took me all this time, felt like I’ve been living under a rock). Though I haven’t got the book yet, her poems of love and pain just took me on a whirlwind ride to literature heaven. They’re simple yet packed with heavy doses of emotion which is just the way I like it. Another thing that happened is I picked up a pretty well known book entitled “Eleanor and Park”. And the funny thing is I couldn’t finish it. It’s not that it’s a bad story, it’s actually a really good one—a tale of all the itsy bitsy pieces you feel when falling in love, the slow attraction building up, the innocence, the unyielding passion and all that but…despite all that romantic wonder, I just couldn’t finish it. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m just not cut out for romantic novels? See, I’ve got no problems digesting the twisted, dark forms of literature. I’ve read “Haunted” by Chuck Palahniuk twice (so I could fully absorb all the gory details) and it excited me rather than scare me. And it’s not even the blood lust in the story that drew me in but instead, the mental loopholes and the insane core of the novel. The human psyche have always fascinated me. And I guess that’s what I miss when it comes to mushy love stories. 

In the field of art, I tried painting. Not the acrylic-canvas-professional type but more of the watercolour-sketchpad-completely amateur type. And it’s been working out fine. I’ve always wanted to be an artist but my hands are just not cut out for it. One of my friends (who happened to be a really good artist) used to call me an “artist by lungs” since I can’t be an “artist by heart”. I’m definitely not the “realistic” type of painter. My works are halfway between the realism sphere and the abstract sphere of art. More like a five year old’s masterpiece than anything else. But hey, I love it so I guess there’s nothing wrong in doing it.

In the world of photography where I am completely immersed at the moment, I am loving how I can see the perspectives of different photographers through their work. Each photograph is an avenue to a photographer’s mind—how they see the world and all their thoughts, notions, and feelings that go with it. It’s all there, in one amazing shot. It’s crazy, really. How a group of people can go to the same place but see different things. How they can look at a single view and have different notions. How they can express who they are through photos that makes their concepts tangible. I ventured into this field not because it’s a fad but because I saw it as an extension of myself. Here’s a shot of mine while on the road from Tarlac, Philippines.