Midnight Frustration

I remember this one night very clearly in my mind. It was one of my shifts back on my previous job. My boss unleashed World War III on me without me doing anything wrong. It got me so frustrated that it drove me to tears. I rushed out and went to the nearest comfort room and called my boyfriend because I desperately needed someone to tell me that I can do it and that things are going to be okay. But he did not comfort me. All he said was “O ano namang magagawa ng pag-iyak mo?”. Those words came out in a very blunt manner.

From that day on, I learned how to keep my sh*t in line even with my heart breaking, even with tears falling uncontrollably, without me bugging him about it. I lost my money twice on the way home. I had no idea how I’m gonna be able to pay my fare but I did not tell him about it. I’ve had tons of bad days, helpless incidents and nights when I just cried myself to sleep but I dealt with them on my own.

Now out of the blue, I read this.

You had one bad day and out of all your friends, you think of my boyfriend first? Why? Because he has been there for you every time you felt a little low, slightly shaken or a little depressed? Damn, then good for you.

Here I am trying to pull my sh*t together on my own and  he was able to comfort you on life’s every blow. You really have a way of breaking my heart to pieces, you know that?

Hey Miss J, can’t you just find a boyfriend of your own? Cause honestly, I’m tired of dealing with this. I really am. Try putting yourself in my position. Would you want your boyfriend, the man you plan to marry, the man you want to spend the rest of your life with being as sweet as sugar to another girl?

This is exactly what I meant when I told you KNOW YOUR LIMITS.

I’ve made changes for you. I’ve made sacrifices for you.
Think about that the next time you talk to her, text her, comfort her or call her beautiful.

I’m asking you to stop talking to her. Whatever it is that’s happening has been driving me insane and I don’t know what else to do. I’ve been asking and asking and asking you… For once, can you listen to me and just put an end to whatever it is you have with her. Because the more that you talk to her, the more she thinks that she means something to you. So if you’re telling me that she doesn’t, then just tell her.

It’s hurting me. It’s breaking me. And here I am thinking that if you really cared for me, you’d stop it.
Or was I wrong?

Things will Change

Facts are to journalists as emotions are to creative writers. I guess that’s primarily why I write based on my mood. My hands magnify whatever it is I feel inside. It’s the only avenue where I could let everything go.

How do I feel right now? I feel like a bucket of cold water has just been poured on me. Why? Because two things finally became clear.

First. Complete, untainted transparency. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. I realized that things will always be hidden from me. No matter what I do. No matter how much I plead. Things will stay as it is. Maybe you don’t trust me enough. I don’t know. I take notice and I ask you but you just make up some sort of reason and then I drop the pursuit of truth. Not because I believe everything you say but because I know that no matter how much I try, you’re not gonna tell me the exact reason why.

I hate social media. Why? Because the biggest secrets and lies are buried there. The things I can’t see, it’s there. The things that I’m not supposed to know, it’s there. 

But I’m not gonna bother with it, not anymore.

Second, the connection that’s been breaking me all this time. NOT GONNA END. I realized that the conversations between the two of you will not stop. It’s just gonna go on and on and on. No matter how much it hurts me. No matter how much I let you know about it. Things will stay as it is. Maybe I’m not important enough. I don’t know. I asked you twice but nothing happened and I honestly don’t know what to make of it anymore. But I’ll keep my mouth shut as much as I can from now on. Not because I gave up but because it’s apparent that you don’t care if it hurts me or not. 

This quote is the exact perspective of the other person. You know about it well enough. I’m sure because everyone probably teases you about it. But you don’t feel the gravity of it, do you? That’s why you just go on and do your thing, thinking that there’s no apparent reason for you to end it. 

But I’m not gonna deal with it, not anymore.

Things will change. But i’m not gonna play your game. I won’t hide things from you. I won’t mingle with guys whom I know like me more than a friend just so you would know how it feels. Why? BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, I RESPECT YOU AND I WON’T DO ANYTHING TO HURT YOU OR MAKE YOU DOUBT ME.

That statement does not mean I’m conceding to your ways or that I’m giving you the upper hand on this relationship. It simply tells you that my love hasn’t changed at all despite everything. 

Final Warning

I’m hoping for this to be my last blog on this emotional roller coaster I’m in. Because I honestly don’t want to deal with this kind of problem again. 

Meier. I was told that you were lost or left somewhere before. Even back then, I knew they were lies but I did not say anything. Now Kahn and Modern Architecture have joined you. All of which, as I was told, were friendly gestures.

 

I thought collections are meant to stay together, that’s precisely why I contributed Ban and Piano, but I guess someone meant a lot more. By any chance that there will be “new” or “old” things that will be joining you, well, you would just have to read on.

I was specific with the connection that needed to end. Yes, there are two sides and yes, there is pain in both. You do it and you hurt someone. You don’t do it and you hurt me. You just have to choose who it’s gonna be.

I’ve seen a few changes and that closed the wounds. So I thank you for that. But I implore you to not even dare go back to your old ways. Because if you do and these wounds open again, I will stand by my word. If you do and these wounds open again, they would have to heal with me far away from you. 

What I have To Say

I got fever, cough and colds.
Can barely get up.
But I don’t care.

What I care about.
Is the shattered me.
Inside.

I’ve broken.
A lot of hearts.
For you.
Not just once.

That’s called.
Commitment.

And you.
Above anyone.
Else.
Know that.

I asked you.
Several times.

But your words.
Tell me one thing.

And your actions.
Tell another.

So let me be.
Perfectly clear.

I’m not asking.
For you.
To hide it better.

Not letting me.
Know.
Of your.
Conversations.
And.
Interactions.
Will NOT.
Solve this.

Partly lying.
To me.
Partly hiding.
FACTS.
From me.

I’m asking you.
To end it.
Completely.

Find the strength.
To end.
What should NOT.
Have started.

Or I will find.
The strength.
To walk away.

DATI

Unang araw sa high school ng tayo’y magkita.
Magkakopyahan kayo ng bestfriend kong chinita.
Makailang beses mo kong inakbayan.
Sabay sabing “Aasarin ko lang tong torpe kong kaibigan”. 

Hinila mo ko sa klaseng di ko gusto.
Walang kamalay malay sa motibo mo.
Computer class nun ng bigla mo kong binulungan.
Napaatras ka sa ginawa kong di mo inaasahan.

Ikaw ang kasama buhat noon.
Ikaw ang pangarap hanggang ngayon.

Taon na ang lumipas, tayo pa rin.
Ang panaho’y umagos parang hangin.
Kay sarap balikan ng mga alaala.
Mga yugto ng ating pagsisimula.

Bigla mo kong hinarang isang uwian.
Tahimik ka’t medyo pinagpapawisan.
Bigla mong sinabing, “Pwede bang manligaw?”
Di nakasagot ang puso kong nagsusumigaw.

Araw araw mo kong pinupuntahan pagkatapos ng klase.
Lahat ng imposible ginawa mong pwede.
Naalala ko nung naglakad ka pauwi sa ulan.
Dahil pinaabot mo sakin yung payong mo nung uwian.

Ikaw ang kasama buhat noon.
Ikaw ang pangarap hanggang ngayon.

Taon na ang lumipas, tayo pa rin.
Ang panaho’y umagos parang hangin.
Kay sarap balikan ng mga alaala.
Mga yugto ng ating pagsisimula.

Dumating ang kaarawan mo at sinagot kita ng “oo”.
Sabi ko “Salamat sa tyaga, mahal kita, yan ang totoo”.
At bigla akong tinanong ng mga kaklase nating loko loko.
Dahil daw sa text mong may “GM.GF” sa dulo. 

Walang araw na di tayo magkasama.
Sinusundo mo ko pagkatapos maglaro ng DOTA.
Bitbit ang mga gamit kong pang-eskwela.
Masaya tayong naglalakad sa gilid ng kalsada.

Ikaw ang kasama buhat noon.
Ikaw ang pangarap hanggang ngayon.

Taon na ang lumipas, tayo pa rin.
Ang panaho’y umagos parang hangin.
Kay sarap balikan ng mga alaala.
Mga yugto ng ating pagsisimula.

Binanggit mong Suntok sa Buwan ni Ely ang theme song mo.
Natawa lang ako sayo sabay tingin sa mga mata mo.
Naalala mo ba ang unang halik nating pumalya ng sobra?
Na talaga namang inulit natin hanggang tumama.

Pinasaya mo ko ng higit pa sa inaasahan ko.
Malay ko ba namang may lalaking magtyatyaga sa ugali ko.
Hanggang ngayon ikaw lang ang nakakapagpangiti sakin ng ganito.
Salamat sa pagkumpleto sa buhay ko.

Ikaw ang kasama buhat noon.
Ikaw ang pangarap hanggang ngayon.

Taon na ang lumipas, tayo pa rin.
Ang panaho’y umagos parang hangin.
Kay sarap balikan ng mga alaala.
Mga yugto ng ating pagsisimula.

Ikaw ang una at huli.
Katulad ng sinabi ko sayo dati. 

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Inspired by the song “Dati”

July 22nd

Life is life.

No matter what road you take.

No matter what choice you make.

It goes on.

This has been a good day.

A really good one, in fact.

That’s why I ask myself…

Today, do I let go of all the hurt I felt in the past?

Or do I hold onto them?

People say to never hold a grudge.

They also say to just take things one day at a time.

And so, I choose to let go.

Of everything unpleasant that lay behind me.

My heart may be scarred but I still choose to love.

My life may not be perfect but I still choose to live.

I’m already stronger today than I was before.

So I guess the past did its job of toughening me up.

And I’ll leave it at that.

But before I forget.

And before this day ends.

You, yes you.

Happy Birthday.

What I learned :: What I wrote

Let’s see if I can give you at least three thoughts to ponder on from the 2-day Pediatric Nursing Convention that I recently attended. I am a nurse by profession but my literary side can never be overpowered so let’s put some of those to good use.

“Always begin with the end in mind.”

Put simply, don’t do anything without a goal. In everything you do, make sure that you have a clear vision of what you want to achieve. Because if not, all your succeeding actions won’t have a unified direction and might end up causing trouble for you. But on the completely other side of the globe, there are free-spirited people who just does what feels right and depends on their instincts for decision-making and somehow, they make it out alright. Well, what I can say is that not everything have to be planned. Leave enough room for life to surprise you with it’s twists and turns. It adds thrill and lessens regrets on this unbelievably short existence of ours. 

“Be proud that you are a woman for your femininity compliments the action of men.”

Men cannot live without women and vice versa. It’s an established fact. I don’t know exactly as to why, might be their ego or the natural fluctuation of their male hormones, but oftentimes men lose sight of what they have. They flirt, a lot. They start to take their woman for granted. They deem the stones around them more important than the diamond that waits for them at home. Not knowing that when she finally finds the strength to leave, they’ll be left completely empty-handed. Absolutely leaving no love to their name, if you know what I mean. Then regrets start stepping in. They cry, they plead, they beg. Some are given another chance, some are not. So men, please stop acting as assholes and treat your woman right. And women, stop crying over men. It’s their loss, not yours. Always have been, always will be. 

“Prayer makes the darkened cloud withdraw; Prayer climbs the ladder Jacob saw; Give exercise to faith and love; Bring every blessing from up above.”

This is a simple reminder that there is a supreme being/power that guides us all. And that prayer works. If you feel that something is beyond your control, pray. If you feel that all hope is lost, pray. If you feel that you’re not enough, pray. You’ll be put into a lot of situations wherein you cannot depend on anyone else but yourself, don’t feel bad. It’s just good old God letting you know that you’re a lot stronger than you think. Have faith in yourself. 

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I’m an avid fan of life, and I think you can see that in almost all of my blog posts. Hopefully, what I write makes even a small impact to living souls out there.

Thanks for reading.
And for the recent follows that I got, thanks so much!
=)

 

What Mr. Berkley Saw

Mr. Berkley is a tall man in his mid-thirties;
He amuses himself through different life controversies.
He keeps a lot to himself and lives alone,
Probably it’s because of the world that he had always known. 

One day he decided to take a walk.
He favored the sun but not the people’s small talk.
His right hand held a coffee cup,
The other had a newspaper which was just a prop.

He saw a baby in a stroller,
And his young, sun-kissed skin drew him closer.
“You really are heaven-sent” he said.
The words came out as his worries have fled. 

He saw a young girl playing on the swing,
He saw zest, he saw zing.
It made him smile, the sweetest one he’s ever made.
The flowers then bloomed; it was a grand cascade.

He saw a skater boy who’s about sixteen,
He’s energized and does almost everything in between.
It made him stare with awe and admiration,
Truly, there’s promise in the next generation.

He saw a couple walking out of church,
He thought “For this two, love has already perched”.
Seeing them hand in hand, sparkling eyes and all.
Heart to heart; no truth is ever too small.

He saw a mother full of love and bliss,
A moment no one would dare miss.
He stood and watched under his breath,
A bond so pure, it’s unbreakable by death.

He saw an old man seated on a porch,
And on his mind, he drew a dimly lit torch.
As if in a movie, time suddenly felt slow.
He enjoyed the serenity brought about by the show.

He looked at his watch and decided it’s time to go.
Though weary, he enjoyed what he has come to know.
He has seen in one day the value everyone’s looking for,
And with that, he became a better person than before.

It has always been a set of intertwined events,
It started, it ended; it had a few fragments.
It’s quite short once you look back, 
So be sure to not have any regrets packed.

Go back to the beginning and look at the second line,
Count from one to six and you’ll find it fine.
After reading everything with me,
Tell me, what did Mr. Berkley see?

Gloomy Days

So here’s the thing, I haven’t been writing lately not because I’m busy but because I’m very much uninspired. I’ve been going through a lot but I make sure that to most people I appear as the same old me, happy and carefree as can be.

I woke up in such a gloomy mood, for even my dreams haunt me in my sleep. This has been going on for 2 straight weeks now. I wake up every night between 12 midnight to 3 at dawn catching my breath and thinking when it will ever stop. My worries do not end when I close my eyes. My mind does not rest even when my body is at peace. I guess that’s primarily the reason why I often feel weary and tired.

Until July 22 ends and gives me its verdict, I don’t think I’ll be able to rest easy. The anxiety of not knowing what will happen on that day is really taking its toll on me. I’ve been having palpitations at random times of the day and they come with chest pains that hurt as hell. Most often than not when I wake up in the middle of the night, I find my nose bleeding. I’m not worried of any underlying disease that may be behind it because this has happened before. And it was gone as soon as the anxiety, the pressure, the stress and the worry is gone.

When have you seen such strong emotions and severe worries take the form of symptoms right? That’s why I don’t tell anyone about it. People, of course, will have different interpretations and having said that, I honestly don’t want to be judged at a time like this. I just deal with it on my own. Once reassurance comes, symptoms are gone.

I heard someone say that if you keep a lot to yourself, at some point you’ll feel the burden not just emotionally but also physically. Guess that’s what’s happening to me. But I’m sure I’ll get through this just like the previous time that it happened. But until then, the countdown starts. 7 days from now. July 22nd, please don’t break my heart.

7 Deadly Sins

ENVY

The attainment of others fills me up like poison,
The more they get ahead of me, the more I’m like in prison.
Their achievements hinder my ambition,
Their great fortune blocks my vision.

Those with so much money in their hands,
Have deprived me and so I live in this banished lands.
Those with brilliant minds of this century,
Have robbed my knowledge and left me empty.

Those who lived with faces carved by angels,
Have led me to a life of no beauty and twisted angles.
Those with fame and fortune at their heels,
Have caused me to be at the bottom, never knowing what it feels.

GLUTTONY

Lay eyes on this banquet before me,
It’s overflowing, bountiful…just as it should be.
Everything to ease my satiety is here,
There’s enough food to even feed your fear.

That luscious taste of wine and meat,
Oh, I simply can’t resist.
That sweet tang of scrumptious dessert,
A feeling of ecstasy I can never revert.

To not eat to my heart’s content…
Is nothing more than agony and torment.
For each gratifying taste in existence is what I deserve,
And every delicacy yet to be discovered is in my reserve.

GREED

Power and control…that’s what I need,
To hold domain over others is how I succeed.
Authority over those who are weak,
To use their ignorance even as I speak.

I step on others…stab people at the back,
If that’s what it takes to speed up my track.
I lie…I never keep my word,
That’s the key to success, haven’t you heard?

To outsmart people…to not play fair,
That’s how I get what I want, plain and bare.
If you want to live every time the day breaks,
Be desperate enough to do whatever it takes.

LUST

See how I look at you with burning desire,
Come near me and start the fire.
Hold my body close…that’s what you should do,
Indulge in this pleasure, I’m begging you.

Forget everything else and close all doors,
Let the scent of my skin join yours.
A bare, naked vessel for you to caress,
This temptation, Oh I must confess.

Come in strong…come in hard,
Keep going until you reach that reward.
Stay with me throughout the night,
Love me with no end in sight.

PRIDE

Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Who’s the greatest of them all?
And it’s no surprise that it always shows my name,
It might be because of my unparalleled beauty or simply the fame.

People worship the ground I’m on,
For in a chess game, I’m the queen and they’re the pawn.
I’m the woman everyone’s dying to be,
Yes…the oh so perfect me.

Vanity and egocentricity is an understatement,
Whether or not you’re affected is not my predicament.
I’ll wallow in my perfect life and timeless beauty,
You, on the other hand, got nothing else to do but love me.

SLOTH

To even lift a finger is not my deal,
For others can do the work to my appeal.
I go with the flow of each passing day,
Fully knowing what I need will find its way.

Life is nothing but a big couch to me,
I just sit there and watch things happen as they should be.
There’s barely anything I’m willing to do.
For if it’s taken care of, why do I have to?

To do nothing is my motto in life,
Even if my neck is by the edge of a knife.
My happiness lies in complete inactivity,
A life so good…so sedentary.

WRATH

I see guilty faces…I see innocent ones,
But it has already started and so it runs.
The edge of my blade craves for vengeance,
Death is at the peak of my presence.

I’m going to kill all of you!
Yes…that’s what I’m going to do.
I want to hear you scream and plead for your life!
For every inch of your mortality will be taken by my strife.

I want to feel your blood drip from that frail body,
I want to see how life can leave you so easily.
All your damned souls will burn in hell!
For havoc and darkness will befell.