Open Oddity

It’s time to begin, isn’t it?
Gotta keep my teeth in a tight grit.

I’m hanging on the crack of dawn.
Never knowing where the line was drawn.

I’m scared of what’s to come.
Feels like my blood’s turning to rum.

I’m drunk in smart conspiracy.
Intoxicated with greenish jealousy.

They call it flaws and imperfection.
I call it diversity and direction.

Been clinging on a certain thought.
Don’t want everything to end in naught.

I’m mad as a hatter these days.
Can’t point fingers due to the haze.

Loving sarcasms weaved in pure wit.
The kind of ironies I’ll never admit.

Here I lie in constant doubt.
Wondering why the world’s so tout.

I feel so damn little, so damn innocent.
Amidst a crowd of demons dressed decent.

My thoughts are talking loud.
Along a sea of words I’m very much endowed.

They say to remain ignorant.
I say, “Oh aren’t you tolerant.”

Out of all the lies society feeds you,
Which ones have you said goodbye to?

Happiness is a state of mind.
Not a right that God has signed.

Boredom got me jumping down the rabbit hole.
Found out it was good for my soul. 

I’m stitching together whatever reality I have in hand.
To wake myself up and learn to stand.

I’m bruised but does it matter?
I won’t let them serve my head in a silver platter.

As the angels sing of kingdom come.
The devils play a darker strum.

Life is a road of opposition and idiosyncrasy.
A paradox that creates your own graffiti.

Live it full. Live it bright.
For you’ll never know when it’ll fall out of sight.

Tell All

For the past few weeks, I haven’t indulged myself in an Agatha Christie book even though I’m dying to. I tried to veer away from the world of murder novels for a while thinking that it’s not good for any 21 year old girl to fill her head with such gory crime scenes. And besides, I’m also starting to get that feeling I’m so close to waking up as Sherlock Holmes or Hercule Poirot—delusions of grandeur indeed. So yeah, I just bought Mitch Albom books and several adventure novels instead.

But then last Saturday, I picked this book up. More of a random purchase rather than a deliberate one. I didn’t really know what the entire plot was about and I wasn’t exactly motivated to read but then I got to the middle. And there I sat, extremely dumbfounded—it was a novel about murder. There I was trying to avoid any story that would lead to a crime scene and here comes a book that’s exactly about that. It’s severely ironic with a dash of sweet serendipity. But then again, this book is quite different in the sense that it’s not about solving the murder. Rather, it’s about committing the murder. 

Interesting, isn’t it?

As my fellow blogger, dear friend and revered mentor Sankage Steno said, “You can never go wrong with a book”.

So I really don’t regret ever buying this one. And the author, might I add, is a pure genius. He’s really good. He made me read his novel slowly. He made me savor every word he ever wrote. And that RARELY happens. I usually read books really fast. I gobble up novels for breakfast. I finish 300 page novels in just half a day. That’s how I usually read, but that didn’t happen this time. And I was pretty happy about that.

Having said that, let me share a few lines with you. Now if these lines won’t make sense or will make too little sense, then I think you’d have to read the book for you to truly grasp their significance. 

1. “Every coronation contains elements of farce. You must be a toothless, aged lion, indeed, before this many people will risk petting you.”

2. “It’s pathetic how easily a strong spotlight can wipe away any trace of a person’s age or character.”

3. “I suppose it’s a comfort, perhaps a sense of self-control, doing worse damage to yourself than the world will ever dare inflict.”

4. “Based on decades of observation, I propose that sudden high levels of external praise always triggered an equal amount of inner self-loathing.”

5. “All because the moment the world declares a person immortal, at that moment the person will strive to prove the world wrong.”

6. “You talk about art imitating life, well, the reverse is true.”

7. “These tawdry, soft, sordid fictions would petrify and fossilize to become diamond-hard, carved-stone facts for all perpetuity.”

8. “In truth, the degree of anyone’s success depends on how they can say the word yes and hear the word no. Those many times you’re thwarted yet persevere.”

9. “I say that no memory is anything more than a personal choice. A very deliberate choice.”

10. “All human beings search for either reasons to be good or excuses to be bad.”

11. “Lilly Hellman screams, “Katherine!”
Miss Kathie screams, “Hazie!”
Hiss, bray, bark . . . Jesus Christ.
We all have some proper noun to blame.”

12. “Such  a bland face nurtures a nimble mind. In contrast, beauty which evokes special favors and opens doors, such astounding eyes can cripple the brain behind them.”

13. “What was an actual life story collapses into countless sparkling, glittering fragments. That single perfect image exploded into so many contradicting perspectives. The priceless diamond itself lost in this heap of so many worthless, dazzling glass shards.”

14. “No, none of us seem very real.
We’re only supporting characters in the lives of each other.
Any real truth, any precious fact will always be lost in a mountain of shattered make-believe.”

I did not dare elaborate any of the lines simply because I didn’t want to ruin them. But just to wrap things up, let me share with you three conclusions that I came up with upon finishing this novel.

1. A lie that is believed by many will eventually become the truth.

2. With too much fame, people start to lose their sense of self. 

3. Trusting someone is like holding a gun. Although you know that the bullet will move forward, at the back of your mind, you’re still hoping that it won’t backfire. 

By now, you probably have an idea what the story is about. Or maybe not. I can never tell. But I do know that you’re probably itching to know what book this is. Well, the title of the novel is also the title of this blog and the author is Chuck Palahniuk. Happy book hunting and happy reading! 

Mr. Brightside

Mr. Brightside, who are you? I see you staring at that far distance with eyes that gives me nothing but constant questions. I am puzzled and so are you. You’re confused with how the world came to be and I’ve been on that same page of life for quite a while now.

Mr. Brightside, have you heard? People go back to old habits just as soon as the sting of their last mistake is gone. I know, I’ve done it over and over. And it’s not some unique thing. I know all people go back to old ways even when they know they shouldn’t.

Mr. Brightside, did you know? The earth is as round as can be and people’s hearts are as close to being frozen as a drop of water on its trail to becoming a chunk of ice. And they tell me that it’s good because it means we’re moving forward.

Mr. Brightside, can you see? My sense of trust is waning. Maybe if life didn’t turn out to be such a horrific game, that wouldn’t have been the case. Or maybe if I didn’t step out of what I know, I’ll still have it whole. But nonetheless, it is what it is now.

Mr. Brightside, do you understand? The games have taken its toll on me. My head is full of fear and I’m tired of weaving pain through words. I’ve been playing the part of a fool for so long, I no longer know what it’s like to move on my own.

Mr. Brightside, where are you? My feet have never left this place—this crossroads in between going and gone. I feel truth driving on one side of the road and I feel lies in the other. I’ve lost my sense of direction but thank God I still know what’s right from wrong.

Mr. Brightside, ain’t it funny? Every person has got to be tainted by some sort of insanity to be great. But then again, I’m not just tainted. I am insanity itself. I’m that crazy voice inside your head speaking from your instincts, from your wants, from your needs.

Mr. Brightside, isn’t it ironic? Here I am, a complete stranger in some ways and a lifelong partner in most. I’m writing words away but just before my thoughts reach the tip of your hair, they would have already vanished into thin air.

Mr. Brightside, are you okay? Cause I’m not. I’m knee-deep in judgements, half-intoxicated with pain and barely breathing with a sharp knife stuck in my chest. I’ve been struggling just like everybody else in this tiny piece of universe we call our world. 

Mr. Brightside, is this it? I may have my wings clipped but I know for sure that I can fly. My humble soul will forever be in this soil but my feet won’t be anchored to this ground. I’ll walk and walk until I’m out of sight and therefore, out of mind.

And as all of these thoughts were spinning in my head last night, I was like damn, I didn’t know they called that weird moonlight Mr. Brightside. 

About Time

I decided some time ago to not write about myself anymore. To keep myself apart from the words that come out of me. To just be objective about the things I impart to those who read my blogs. But then I watched this movie and I somehow felt compelled to write about…well…me.

Time is something that I love the most and I fear the most. I love it for all the unexpected things that it gives me. I fear it for the fact that it always feels too short. I love it because it gives me freedom. I fear it because it takes things away that I can never get back. 

And time will always be there because time is constant. It won’t slow down for anyone. It won’t stop for anything. It’ll just keep on going and going—unconscious of the joy and pain it brings.

So what would you do if you could travel in time? Not in the future, just in the past. Not in the world’s past, just in your past. What will you do? Will you change several things to make the present better? Will you? Or will you not?

At first, I thought that if I could go back in my past, I’d change a few things. Change my reaction. Change my decision. Just change something to get things right. 

Maybe if I could travel back in time, my boyfriend and I would not have been robbed off of our phones. Maybe I’d have a blossoming career. Maybe I would believe in myself more. Maybe, just maybe, things will have gotten a little better.

But then I thought, no. Even if I could go back in time, I wouldn’t change a damn thing. Because I’m right where I am for a reason. If I didn’t lose my phone, I wouldn’t realize that the value of material things should not go beyond the number you see on their price tag. If I had a career going right now, I wouldn’t know what it feels like to be stuck. To not have anything else but your passion to grow more as a person. If I believed in myself right from the start, I wouldn’t have noticed the little things that really matter because I would have been so full of myself. 

So no. Even if I could travel back in time, I wouldn’t change anything. But I will go back to relive those moments that made me smile. I’ll go back to those instances when I laughed for the silliest, most shallow things I’ve ever heard. I’ll go back to those times when I didn’t feel the gravity of life holding me back. I’ll go back to those days that made me feel like time has stopped to give me the happiness I always asked for.

I will go back. And will you go back with me? 

Eksena at Komento

Mga pangyayari sa araw na to.

Part 1: LRT Moments

Unang comment: Kudos to the LRT people! Ramdam ko ang pagiging effective ng crowd control scheme niyo! Kahit medyo matagal ang pila, ok lang. At least di na mala-hunger games ang scenario. 

Yung mga susunod na comment ay para na sa mga partikular na tao na di ko kilala pero nakasalamuha ko. Take note, hindi ko talaga to sinabi sa kanila. Nasa isip ko lang lahat. Gustong gusto ko mang bigkasin ang mga ito, di ko ginawa. Pinigil ko ang aking dila at di ko pinakawalan ang mga salitang dapat nilang marinig dahil gusto kong maisabuhay ang sining ng pagtitimpi.

Kay kuyang amoy alak na nagalit kay ateng guard dahil di siya pinasakay ng tren: “Oi kuya! Ginagawa lang ni ate yung trabaho niya! Ikaw pa may karapatang magalit?! Tsaka bakit ka lasing e alas otso pa lang ng umaga?! Ano yun?! Alak ang almusal?! Kaloka!”

Kay kuyang pusong mamon na kulang na lang isubsob sa mukha ko yung iphone5 niya habang nagbbrowse ng facebook: “Aba naman ate este kuya este ate basta ikaw! Kung gusto mong ipagyabang yung phone mo, aba’y wag mo kong idamay. Pakilayo yung iphone na yan sa mukha ko, naduduling na ko sa sobrang lapit!”

Kay ateng pinag-cut ng first class yung boyfriend niya para lang may makasama siyang maglakad hanggang mapua (tayuman station daw dapat bababa yung boyfriend ni ate): “Ate, rinig na rinig ko yung usapan niyo. Sinundo ka na nga sa bahay, kailangan samahan ka pa sa gate ng mapua??? Door to door delivery??? Susunduin ka naman daw ng uwian, kailangan pang mag-cut ng klase para lang ihatid ka??? Clingy much??? Walang pakialam sa kinabukasan ng boyfriend??? Di ko magets! Paki-explain! Labyu!”

Part 2: Exam Moments

Pasingit: Kudos to the company guards na pinagtanungan ko kanina dahil naliligaw ako, thank you for being so accommodating! Nakaka-tats!

Gusto ko lang ibahagi ang karanasan ko nung nakaraang nag-exam ako para sa isang trabaho. Sobrang na-caught off guard ako ng mga tanong. Masaya kong nagsasagot ng nasabing exam ng biglang pinahanap sakin yung GCF at LCM. Napanganga ko. Tapos kasunod nun, pina-convert yung mga fraction sa decimal at vice versa. Nun ako napabulong ng isang malupit na “What the f*ck?! Hindi ko na alam to! Sana statistical analysis na lang pinagawa nila! Mean, median, mode, ANOVA, ANCOVA, chi-square, ganun! O kaya pina-convert na lang nila yung celsius sa fahrenheit at kelvin! Yun alam ko pa! Pero yung basic math na yun, sobrang limot ko na!”

So ayun, dahil sa trauma ko, nag-aral ako kagabi ng GCF, LCM at fractions. Sa awa ng Diyos, walang lumabas na tanong about dun nung exam ko kanina. Pero salamat na rin sa dagdag kaalaman. Or should I say, salamat na rin sa nagbalik na kaalaman.

Anyway, para kay ate na co-examinee ko kanina na sinabihan ako ng “Bakit ang ikli ng essay mo?! Di mo ba alam na mas mahaba mas maganda?!” Eto masasabi ko: “Ate, kanya kanyang trip lang yan. Ok? Kung trip mo yung three-step method na outline-draft-final copy, ede sige. Pero mas trip ko yung direct at concise. Capiche?”

At sa mga companies ngayon, tingin ko dapat niyo ng i-adapt yung one day hiring scheme ng mga BPO company. Yung tipong isang punta na lang lahat—submit ng resume tapos exam, pag pumasa, interview na tapos pag pasado, contract signing na. Para di na kami balik ng balik. Yung tipong isang punta, exam. Next na punta, interview. Next na punta, contract signing. Ang gastos kaya lumuwas ng paulit ulit! 

Part 3: Tapos na

Dalawang part lang talaga yung blog. Etong pangatlo nilagay ko lang pang-wrap up! So there! Tapos na. =)

Not Yet

I don’t know if I’m the one who’s weird or if I’m the one on the right track. It’s just that certain observations of mine have been bugging me for quite some time now. And I just don’t know what to make of them. 

Lately, my facebook news feed have been filled by photos from two categories. First group comprises of wedding proposals, pre-nup shoots, wedding invitations and actual weddings. The second group revolves around positive pregnancy test results, ultrasound results and baby stuff. All of those who post them are my batch mates from college. So it’s making me think if I’m already lagging behind the usual course of growing up.

Right now, what I’m thinking about is finding a job, pursuing writing, learning to speak French, improving my photography skills, finishing my masters degree and hopefully, travelling with my boyfriend. That’s about it. Most people have been talking to me about marriage, even my parents have talked to me about it more than once. But honestly, I don’t think this is the right time for that. My boyfriend loves me, sure. And I love him. But the road ahead is still far too long for us to think about marriage anytime soon.

It’s not that I’m not into lifelong commitment because I am. And it’s not that motherhood scares me because just like any other woman, I would want to be the reason for another life to exist in this world. I just think that there’s no need to rush such things. I used to be eager about marriage and starting a family but certain things have changed that. There were certain realizations that made me see that this is not the best time nor is it the right time for such decisions to be made. At least not yet.

I do want to get married by 25 or 26 though and hopefully have kids before I’m 30. Some would think that it’s still young right? But since I’m a nurse and I know for a fact that the human life span is depleting. I think it’s already a risk to conceive a child beyond the third decade of your life because by then, you’re already prone to a lot of complications which could lead to a very difficult pregnancy or may lead to problems for the baby.

But until I’m 25 or 26, I’ll just take life as it is. Smile with the good, frown with the bad. Enjoy the flow even if it can be harsh sometimes.I still have 13 days ’til I’m 22 and 3 or 4 years until I’m in my mid-twenties, so I’ll just be here doing what I love. Time is not my enemy, it’s my friend. So I’ll do what I can with it.

But to all my batch mates who have already settled down or will be settling down soon, I wish you all the best! And I hope for your lives to be filled with love and bliss. Keep the commitment and fire going!

Sa Kabilang Dako

Sa kabilang dako ng isipan ko, naglalakad ang mga piraso ng diwa na di ayon sa agos ng panahon. Sila’y mga ala ala. Ala ala na minsan kong pinanghawakan ngunit kumawala. Mga ala ala na minsan kong pinakawalan ngunit nanatili. Ang ilan ay lamat ng nakaraan. Ang iba ay gulo ng kasalukuyan. At ang karamihan ay natatagong takot para sa kinabukasan.

Sa kabilang dako ng isipan ko, nakakubli ang mga katotohanang nais kong maunawaan. Sila’y mga panaginip na minsang nagpangiti sakin. Sila’y mga bangungot na minsang nagpaiyak sakin. Sila’y mga bagay na maaari mong maintindihan at pwede ring tawanan. Sila’y mga bagay na maaari mong gustuhin at pwede ring iwasan.

Sa kabilang dako ng isipan ko, lumilipad ang aking mga panalangin sa alapaap. Ang ilan ay para sa aking sarili. Ang iba ay para sa ikasasaya ng mundong nagsasabing dapat akong manatili. Mga panalangin na kung magkakatotoo ay maaaring maging sagot sa mga katanungan ko o maging mitsa para pakawalan ang ilan sa mga kahilingan ko.

Sa kabilang dako ng isipan ko, sumisigaw ang mga ninanais ng puso ko. Isang tahimik na sigaw. Isang sigaw na tila bulong lang sa pandinig ng karamihan. Isang sigaw na namamatay bago pa man maintindihan ng sino man. Ang puso kong kadalasang naliligaw sa mga kalye ng realidad at nalulunod sa ingay ng mundo, ngayon ay sumisigaw para sa mga pangarap ko. 

Sa kabilang dako ng isipan ko, namumukadkad ang talentong pinaniniwalaan ng ibang tao. Isang talentong naging daan para maging akda ang mga titik na palaboy laboy lang sa isipan ko. Isang talento na nagmula sa mga eskenita ng buhay ko at umagos sa mga kanal ng kamalayan ko. Isang talento na ginugunita ang lahat ng totoo sa sarili ko.